Traveling Through Fear, Lack of Control, and Finding My Way to Peace

Thursday morning I sat at my desk, as I watch people one by one quickly pack their belongings while they were being watched and walked out.  It was too painful to witness someone I truly care about leave the company, so I went to the next aisle over to help train a peer.  As soon as I move, minutes later I am witnessing the same thing, more people I have learned to appreciate, quickly packing up and leaving to never return.

I like to think of myself as a levelheaded individual.  I understand the need to downsize a company when restructuring hasn’t happened in awhile.  This reflection isn’t to judge the company I work for, or the leadership team.  In previous roles I had to be on the other side of the table, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy.  This is about my own personal experience with control, fear of the unknown, and moving forward.

As my Thursday morning continued, I tried to focus on the task at hand, but I couldn’t help but stare at the half consumed muffin sitting on the desk of a team member that no longer worked for the company.  He was mid-breakfast.  If he knew it was coming, would he take the time to enjoy the whole thing?

The day dragged on and rumors started.  People were speculating cuts would happen again the next day.  We were unsure how the work would be distributed.  I was mostly feeling empty, staring at that muffin, wondering how long it would take to decay if we just left it on his desk.

Thursday night I am home alone, with my husband Wes at softball.  We were just about to adopt a new dog, after going through an incredibly difficult loss Easter day, losing our 4 month old Juno to a medical issue.  I knew we still should adopt since there are so many dogs that need a loving home, but there was a fear in the back of my mind that they might also have health issues, and could I go through a loss that big again? 

With the added fear of layoffs, how on earth could I move forward with anything?

Thursday night, my dreams are filled with my fears coming to life.  In my mind I have no job, and we lose everything.  I toss and turn, feeling nauseous, knowing I have an early morning wake up. 

Friday morning I am up at 4:45 am with very little sleep.  I start to get ready for yoga, and I begin to center, breath, and read the theme for my class – You are exactly where you need to be, in perfect balance.

My 5:45 am yoga class at Haleybird Studios has grown and I love every moment of our time together.  I set my own intention to find the right path forward.  Every time I speak in class, I realize I am speaking for myself.  Find some lightness in this difficult posture, just as you do in life.   Where can I find this lightness?  How can I acknowledge the fear is real, yet find peace?

Friday after class I feel lighter, although not in control, I feel blessed and grateful for my practice, and for sharing my love of yoga.

I walk into the office and my day is filled with more than enough tasks to occupy my time.  I am concerned, but a bit more relaxed as I say my class theme over and over in my mind – You are exactly where you need to be, in perfect balance, grounded, and alive.

In the afternoon I received a call.  It is from a foster home and we passed the background check for a beautiful 7-month-old Plott Hound mix Wes and I have been hoping for.  I spend some time talking to her on the phone, and the joy and love we exchanged discussing her is incredibly beautiful.  I set up an appointment to meet, and thanked her for the love she has given to Kit, helping her find a permanent home.

Friday afternoon our leadership team explained that no additional layoffs would be happening at this time.  I witnessed the pain and sadness in the leader presenting this information and I remembered that feeling in my own body, and I felt sadness for everyone in the room.

I cannot predict what will happen in the future.  No matter how much I do or prepare, things can change, just as they did with our beloved Juno, just as they did for team members I care about.  All I know – I am going to eat that entire F%&*ing muffin, OK not the one decaying on a team members desk, but the figurative muffin will be consumed every day, from this day forward.

This afternoon we are going to meet Kit, a 7-month-old Plott Hound.  If we are the right fit for her, we will open our hearts and home again to give a rescue dog the family they deserve.

This week my class theme will be for me and my students – Acknowledge Your Fears and Find Your Way Closer to Peace.  If this theme resonates with you, feel free to review my class schedule on my website and join us!

We never know what life will bring.  Some things we can prepare for, other things we cannot, but don’t let that stop you from living, loving, and finding peace.  Eat that muffin, every day, leaving not a single crumb to spoil.

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